So the internet is ablaze over this article:
The author, Samantha Brick, lets us common folk know what it’s like to be incredibly gorgeous.
Throughout my adult life, I’ve regularly had bottles of bubbly or wine sent to my restaurant table by men I don’t know. Once, a well-dressed chap bought my train ticket when I was standing behind him in the queue, while there was another occasion when a charming gentleman paid my fare as I stepped out of a cab in Paris.
Another time, as I was walking through London’s Portobello Road market, I was tapped on the shoulder and presented with a beautiful bunch of flowers. Even bar tenders frequently shoo my credit card away when I try to settle my bill.
And whenever I’ve asked what I’ve done to deserve such treatment, the donors of these gifts have always said the same thing: my pleasing appearance and pretty smile made their day.
What were the first words that flashed through your mind? Stunning? Beautiful? Perfect?
Of course not. (Mine were, “Eh, she’s alright.”)
And this is why it’s become such a viral sensation. If Samantha Brock were actually hot, there would still be some controversy about it. But this? This is so much funnier.
Now, she’s English, so maybe she gets a couple of points just for having teeth and not being 300 pounds. (I kid, I kid my English friends.)
But seriously, how does someone get so delusional about her appearance?
“She has to be crazy, Kris.”
Of course she is. But the question is, what KIND of crazy? Is she just a narcissist? Or is it something else?
Check out this sentence:
“While I’m no Elle Macpherson, I’m tall, slim, blonde and, so I’m often told, a good-looking woman. I know how lucky I am.”
For you kids that aren’t familiar, Elle Macpherson was a super-famous model in the eighties and early nineties.
Now, you might be thinking “Kris, that doesn’t mean anything. She could have just randomly picked a super model.”
I don’t think so.
Keep in mind that this is a FORTY-ONE YEAR OLD WOMAN. She’s not a naive teenager with no life experience. She is a career
lunatic journalist with tons of experience crafting essays for the general public.
And who does she compare herself to? A model whose career peak was around the time the Berlin Wall fell. So what is she really saying with that statement?
“While I’m no Elle Macpherson—-WHO IS STILL THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD, I SWEAR I’M BEAUTIFUL, SOMEONE TELL ME I AM BEAUTIFUL!”
It’s amazing when someone’s insecurities come out in little slips like that.
And that little tidbit at the end? The fact that she’s “often told” about how good looking she is?
Oh, girl. Pull up a chair and pour a Cosmo. I’ve got some news for you.
Ladies, here’s a little fact you may not be aware of:
Guys will say anything to get in your pants. ANYTHING. Particularly douchebag guys.
Now, I’m a
nationally famous locally obscure comedian, so I don’t need to do stuff like that. I mean, I’m no Lenny Bruce. But I’m nice, charming, intelligent and, so I’m often told, very funny. I know how lucky I am*.
But seriously, guys are gross. They’re shameless.
So when all those men said nice things to (kinda) pretty Samantha? What they were really saying was “I would REALLY like to have sex with you.” That’s it.
“But, doesn’t that mean that Samantha’s good looking? Guys only want to have sex with attractive girls, right?”
Oh man, give me a second to stop laughing. Okay. Whew, I needed that.
Guys will sleep with ANYTHING. It’s how they’re are hardwired. They don’t care if you’re attractive or smart or nice. You could be a saggy, fading British journalist with crooked teeth (for example), and there will still be a million horny idiots trying to bone you.
If there’s any lesson I can give to the Samantha Bricks of this world, it’s this:
The fact that men want to sleep with you indicates NOTHING. Nothing at all. Those same men would fuck a ham sandwich if you heated it up first.
And think about the particular encounters that she talks about in the article.
Random men (whom she never describes in any detail) hitting on her and buying her things. Women (supposedly) terrified that their goofy husbands would throw away their marriage to be with her.
Not once is there any indication of genuine interest from anyone that she finds attractive. I mean, if she really is this stunning beauty, wouldn’t there be a slew of dashing, Don Draper-types nipping at her heels?
And wait, did I mention that Samantha Brick is married? To this guy:
Okay. So we’ve got an average-looking middle-aged woman who is married to a reject from a Guy Ritchie movie.
And she’s so empty inside that she has to use innocuous flirtation from strangers to bolster her self-esteem.
And we haven’t even gotten to the juiciest part yet. Old (hehehe) Samantha writes:
And it is not just jealous wives who have frozen me out of their lives. Insecure female bosses have also barred me from promotions at work.
And most poignantly of all, not one girlfriend has ever asked me to be her bridesmaid.
Here’s some serious advice in an otherwise obnoxious essay:
Get some therapy. Seriously.
You don’t want to be 75 years old complaining that all your grandson’s friends keep trying to get into your wrinkled carcass.
Your looks are already gone, but maybe you can cultivate something that lasts longer than a perfect profile and a hot body.